How to TAKE OUT a Small Business

Screen Shot 2016-03-14 at 5.13.19 PMHow to TAKE OUT a Small Business

I dreamed about this all night…had to write it down.  I’ve got so many friends that are also Small Business Owners.  I think that the New Year has inspired conversation about struggles and how we will survive this year.

Our plan is to kick butt with our boot camp and races.  We’ll see how that goes.

Follow these 10 Steps (repeated often) and you’ll soon see a small business close down

  1. Negotiate. They probably put their pricing together with a dart board and chances are they are desperate to have you there so make sure you try every way shape and form to not pay what their published price list is.  Nit pick every detail.
  2. Criticize.  Don’t just do it online…make sure you talk to all of the paying customers wandering around the shop.  Do it loud enough to have bargaining material later. Listen close for potential fodder to “bring up” to the owner.
  3. Friend their customers on social media.  Your life is so fun and you get along so well at the shop.  It makes sense that it would and could continue outside too.  Make lots of friends and try to get those you think are close to the owners so you can begin to socialize outside the shop with them.
  4. Rumors.  Spread them.  Get a few details about their personal lives and then find some like-minded people that would enjoy hearing the rumor.  Maybe take it to a party or two.  Be sure you generalize the details so you aren’t caught.
  5. Exterminate.  Find a better deal?  Make sure you spread the word to everyone.  Those friends you made, be sure you let them know too. 
  6. Be a downer.  Dena Downer or Donny Downer draw the time and attention.  Spreading your negativity really helps push people away (to the places you mention in #5).  
  7. Tantalize.  The business owners won’t know you are spreading rumors and taking their customers away – they see you and your dynamic personality and believe they NEED you to be at their business.  They do!  You are, after all, the cat’s pajamas to all of your friends.  You have clout and can sway the vote.  Make sure you return to the business off and on just to catch up on what’s going on (so you can start at the top).
  8. Coupons.  Cut them out and keep them forever.  Use them in #1 above.  Take competitor coupons to the small business and try to force them to price match.
    Never write a glowing review that gives anyone the idea you are a dedicate customer.  You will be their customer as long as they do what you say.  After all, the customer is always right!
  9. Favors.  Ask for them here and there.  Give a little extra effort about 25% of the time so your request for favors is merited.Small Businesses make up 54% of all businesses in America!  28 million strong today and they provide 55% o all jobs since 1970.  Reference SBA’s website.

Small Businesses are defined as having 500 employees or less.

Think about how and where you spend your money.

It is a MIRACLE small businesses are lasting as long as they have.  According to Chron (aka The Houston Chronicle)  Only 1/3 make it past 10 years.  The income for sole proprietorships has been trending downward for 50 years.



Are Your Arms Broken?

Trader Joe arms broken? .jpgCan I cuss?

OK…no one is reading this anyway so I’m cussing in this post.

It pisses me off (Level 10) to see people treat other people like servants.  I CAN’T’ STAND IT.

Yesterday I was grocery shopping at #TraderJoes in #SimiValley and it was rather busy.  A lot of people trying to jam through the check out counters.  The clerks were busting ass too – moving as fast as possible on those tiny little checkout counters they have to work with.

Side note: do not go to Check Out Counter 1.  I think I’ve figured out that is where they put the employee that appears to be working but is just moving around and nothing getting done…maybe they’re under review?  It’s torture to watch other aisles zip their customers through and out the door they go…and Aisle 1 is jammed up like the 405 Freeway.

Back to my observation of blechy humans.

I watched 3 people stand with their arms by their sides while the checker did EVERYTHING (and kept a friendly conversation going as well).

Pull the stuff out of the cart.

Scan it.

Place it on the Playskool size counter.

Handling the payment.

Bagging it without letting things fall off the counter.

Placing it in the cart.

Being friendly the entire time.

Now why?  WHY can’t you pick up a bag and put YOUR groceries in it?


I watched you scratch your elbow.  Once the space was clear you set your hands on the counter. You gazed my way (Yes, I was scowling at you). Fold your arms and watch.  Get in the way of other shoppers trying to leave through the tiny portal of space between the checker counters and the water displays.

Side note: can you guys PLEASE remove the water display so there is actually space to navigate past to the door?  I hate bumping into people (except for those just standing there watching other people work I guess) trying to get out the door.

I was taught to lend a hand.  Pitch In.  Pick Up A Shovel.  I was taught is was NOT OK  to stand there and watch someone work when you very well could help.

Shame on you and your yucky behavior.

Anywho, that’s all I’ve got for today’s blog post.