This is a photo of my mother when she lived in the Hollywood at the scientology dorms there. There is a giant “Scientology” sign down the front of the building. I think it was called the HGB? Hollywood Guarantee Building.
The next photo is where my brother slept in this dorm.
He was at the Cadet Org/Apollo Training Academy all day and night while she worked.
This post is a test to see if I can get it under my PRIVATE PATREON PAGE.
I’m PISSED that 4 decades of my life was wasted believing in a greedy, science fiction writing, lying, sociopath m*th*r f*ck*r named L. Ron Hubbard.
I have journals, calendars and diaries of my entire life. I inherited tens of thousands of photos my mother took. When I close my eyes at night the truth of my experiences plays over and over and over. What happened to me is happening to other kids and I hope to share how it all went down and maybe, just maybe, it will help shut this cult down completely. Or at the least give another person the courage to tell their story adding to the web of TRUTH that is being uncovered about scientology. I want to write it all, clear the air, answer questions…tell the truth!
They helped push my mother to her death sooner than she should have. I’ll give you the facts I know on that and I might need help legally confiscating the 100’s of file folders in HER WORDS to prove it.
You’re accustom to being entertained for free. I get it. Me too.
Back in the day an artist would have special people rise up to help so they could focus on their art. I don’t know who commissioned Michelangelo or Leonardo Da Vinci (and I’m certainly not comparing myself to them!) to paint the Sistine Chapel or the Mona Lisa but they had to eat and put a roof over their head and SOMEBODY or some PEOPLE threw them a bone or two of support.
Here is how Leo, Michelangelo and I are the same: we want to under promise and over deliver. I have a vision to bring to the world. I need the pressures of responsibility and commitment to stay driven to the finish!
That is why I could use your help.
Writing takes time. Most of it is silent and thinking. I cannot write AND manage all of the jobs I currently do to make ends meet. I’m no slouch!
Currently my income sources are all over the place: I resell clothing online, I sell toys in person or online, I help small businesses with marketing creative and basics to be visible on the WWW, I walk dogs and pet sit plus I take care of all of the domestic work: cooking, cleaning, our own animal care, errands…doctor appointments…you get the picture I hope. I’m up at 4:30am and go to sleep about 10:00pm every night.
Oh, and to keep my mind in good condition I try to exercise every single day and eat home cooked meals (saves money)!
Being a writer means I need to READ as well!
I have attempted to find better employment and/or a stable full time job having applied for at LEAST 100 of them! My last employer was willing to pay me $15.13 an hour but would only give me 16 hours to 20 a week. After taxes I realized: I AM WORTH MORE and cannot survive there. I gave 2-weeks notice and left on professional terms. I was a Cashier, if you wondered.
Once, for half a decade, I was a General Manager of an international software company’s US Offices, I was the VP Sales at another software company for a decade, I have written and produced newsletters since the 80’s, I am an accomplished photographer (though rarely paid… because I’m a wimp asking people to pay me), I helped launch and run a small business successfully for over a decade.
I AM VALUABLE but in the world of applying for a job today…you have to at LEAST check the box that says you COMPLETED HIGH SCHOOL. A few people suggested “they never check” but I CAN’T LIE. I can’t do it. I won’t do it.
Why can’t I check that box? That whole period of my life I was locked behind a barbwire fence while guards with guns patrolled the entire compound and I was forced to serve L. Ron Hubbard against my will. I didn’t graduate High School! Last year I got my GED in Provo Utah. I cried in the parking lot realizing how much time has gone by and how LITTLE I knew. That feeling fuels my desire to make this book happen AND make it a success.
I’ll make it worth it to you for your support, just check out the different options and see if one wets your whistle. I want to make this journey FUN for you and me.
My goal would be to build my crew (you) to 1,000 kind human beings helping me in some way.
I have four decades to write about…which is more than one book. For now, to start the fire inside me, I just need to get ONE of them done.
Currently I spend 1 hour a week writing and my goal would be to earn enough to get rid of every job but pet care and walking dogs (I love this job so much). If I could invest 20 hours a week in my book I know I would complete it before the end of the year 2019!
In the end I know my story will help make anyone that reads it avoid being sucked into a cult and ruin the chance at opportunities to make the world a better place. I firmly believe this.
Technically you supporting me is helping so many people neither of us know.
Come on board!
Be a part of my quest to unleash a story that will make strangers lean in for more and help others that escaped share their stories. You will be like the parents we lost forever. That’s a big deal.
Grief, for me, makes me think deeper about life and purpose.
I also have the same question pretty much every single time: why?
Why are we here and what’s the point?
When so much sadness envelopes our mind it makes life feel like sludge. I cry a lot and it makes my head heavy mentally and physically. That’s new for me, by the way.
The first few decades of my life wandering this planet were so different than the last 5 or 10 years.
I was raised with philosophies that should be illegal! My once free and clear mind was bent, nailed, locked and forced into a mold of “correct thinking” that was (and I firmly believed it) supposed to make the world a better place and SAVE MANKIND.
Napoleon Hill points out in his book, “The Creator gave man complete control over but one thing, that the Creator must have intended that that was the most important thing in the world. How strange it is, my friends, that civilization has not included in its education and religious the importance of this marvelous gift from the Creator, a gift so powerful that it enables one to practically proclaim and carry out one’s own earthly destiny. That gift, need I remind you again, is the control that you have over your own mind.” -1
My mind (which I consider the part of me that does all of my ‘thinking’) was put into a cookie cutter mold for 30 years! After time I was unable to think any other way and it was scary and terrifying. I just didn’t know HOW to feel! I depended on a cult leader’s teachings to TELL ME HOW TO FEEL.
I believed it all and even began forcing it on my own kids.
That cult got 3 generations of my family tree!
Part of the cult explored your deepest thoughts, hopes and dreams. You openly and willingly shared this information to have it “judged”. If they were “wrong” then you were sent to fix that thinking – more brain washing to remove that critical thinking or dream that was NOT part of the cult leader’s master plan.
30 years. Dripping on me and telling me how to THINK PROPERLY.
Now, 2019, I can feel things I did not LET MYSELF FEEL. Like grief.
Maybe having 3 decades of it and not being allowed to FEEL grief have suddenly hit me like a tsunami and when I feel emotional I REALLY get pushed to the edge. I’m so delicate now and feel so much pain for OTHER PEOPLE and worry and concern that they are OK. I can’t sleep at night because of it. I wake up every 2 or 3 hours worried about things.
The day my cousin Bekah passed away, 5/23/19 at 5:23am, I was awake staring at the ceiling at 3:14am (I always pick up my phone to see what time it is HOPING it’s close to 6:00am). I knew Bekah was on her last days of life on earth and had spent hours crying all by myself at home while I cleaned, ironed, cooked, worked on our business…just so much crying and sadness and the feeling of UNFAIRNESS and INJUSTICE on someone that was so good.
In the darkness I focused on that original question: why are we here and what’s the point? I did it with a feeling of anger and hate just pushed out there in the universe not really directed toward anyone or anything. Maybe you get what I mean on that feeling?
I have lots of questions for Bekah.
I began making a list of all of the beautiful people I’ve known and beautiful creatures I’ve cared for myself or known personally that have passed away. It was depressing and way longer than i realized.
Maybe one post I’ll just put it all out there for the world to see…
In the meantime, I realized one thing I could offer that I wish my cousin Bekah had, my mom, Amanda, my Grandpa William MacCaughey, my Grandma Mary Kay Xanders, my uncle David MacCaughey…what was their life story? What secrets did they go to the “next place” carrying? What questions did I have unanswered? I want to know!!!! I want details.
I care so much and I’m TOO LATE. I’M TOO LATE.
Have you ever considered putting your story into words?
I heard a fantastic radio show host last week put it perfectly. I’ll paraphrase it (I was driving at the time and had no way to document it without taking my hands off the wheel and we’d just had 2 feet of snow overnight so I was being super-careful!)
“If you want something to be remembered you have to write it down. Put it in PRINT. Videos and sound bytes are fun and entertaining but I don’t see people keeping this at their fingertips.”
A book or a diary or a memoir is a place to share your thoughts. It can be closed shut at any point and placed on a shelf for decades or a century or a day.
I realize more now than ever: you are a sincerely amazing person and you should write down your stories and your experiences. Your favorite things, like color or movies that influenced you and why. It’s an encyclopedia of YOU that would be the best legacy. It doesn’t have to be a perfect piece of work. What would you give to know more about your own parents, a best friend or family member that has passed?
What question would you ask them today? What confuses you about the history you DO know about them?
I have a million questions…
Would you like to have your story written?
I’ll help you.
-1 Success Habits Radio Program 1952 Paris Missouri, by Napoleon Hill Chapter 5 Applied Faith
I treated myself today to a workout that included trail running, TRX and a bun blaster I call Dee-Dees.
After I got home my face felt extra grimy, dry and greasy too! YUCK! Luckily I left my Ice Queen tube out on the counter and I gave myself even more of a treat: a Perfect Posh Facial with this product called Ice Queen.
Today I was minding my own business here at home with two dogs and a cat feverishly cleaning themselves and up pops a text from my friend Missy…
“We just saw your daughter on tv.”
Oh ya, we got rid of TV/Cable just last week. Mostly because we rarely watch it and our TV set is a smart one, so we can potentially get the weather and news details we need through some app.
I rushed to the internet as I texted back, “which one and what channel?”
Almost instant reply: “Channel 2”
The Channel 2 News website loaded quickly… “INFAMOUS MURDER HOUSE GOES UP FOR SALE” was the headline.
Hmmm…which daughter would that include. Please let it be something else! I scanned fast… Morgan had been in LA so maybe she was part of some filming and Claire lives and works in Santa Barbara so maybe she was in on some fun thing at the house?
Luckily the next text arrived, “Henry Ford’s Innovation Nation”
Little Claire was part of a super cool segment about what she’s been working on for over 2 years at a company called NEXT Energy.
One day, I hope, she will write the story of her childhood into adulthood. It is a page-turner filled with serious highs and lows.
So to see her where she is today is not a surprise for me, as her mom.
She was ALWAYS determined to get what she wanted. It was a delicate place to be because, well, I was pretty much the same way. She didn’t know how her behavior would be an almost perfect replication of mine. Even my mom would give me the “look” that indicated I deserved exactly what she was dishing out at the moment.
I don’t know how my mom survived raising me!
Claire is working on making the world a better place for everyone. Window panes that you can clearly see through, that generate energy! Every building in every town could generate power this way. Every home could generate energy beyond solar panels on the roof. It’s clean energy and our kid is part of it.
We are very proud of all of our kids and the path they have chosen to “ADULT”.
Claire’s Grandma Mary May and Miss Silvestro (Claire’s favorite teacher, 1st Grade) would be proud too. Does anyone know Miss Silvestro or where we can find her to stay in touch!? She was a 1st Grade Teacher at Mountain Avenue in La Crescenta California.