Grief, for me, makes me think deeper about life and purpose.
I also have the same question pretty much every single time: why?
Why are we here and what’s the point?
When so much sadness envelopes our mind it makes life feel like sludge. I cry a lot and it makes my head heavy mentally and physically. That’s new for me, by the way.
The first few decades of my life wandering this planet were so different than the last 5 or 10 years.
I was raised with philosophies that should be illegal! My once free and clear mind was bent, nailed, locked and forced into a mold of “correct thinking” that was (and I firmly believed it) supposed to make the world a better place and SAVE MANKIND.
Napoleon Hill points out in his book, “The Creator gave man complete control over but one thing, that the Creator must have intended that that was the most important thing in the world. How strange it is, my friends, that civilization has not included in its education and religious the importance of this marvelous gift from the Creator, a gift so powerful that it enables one to practically proclaim and carry out one’s own earthly destiny. That gift, need I remind you again, is the control that you have over your own mind.” -1
My mind (which I consider the part of me that does all of my ‘thinking’) was put into a cookie cutter mold for 30 years! After time I was unable to think any other way and it was scary and terrifying. I just didn’t know HOW to feel! I depended on a cult leader’s teachings to TELL ME HOW TO FEEL.
I believed it all and even began forcing it on my own kids.
That cult got 3 generations of my family tree!
Part of the cult explored your deepest thoughts, hopes and dreams. You openly and willingly shared this information to have it “judged”. If they were “wrong” then you were sent to fix that thinking – more brain washing to remove that critical thinking or dream that was NOT part of the cult leader’s master plan.
30 years. Dripping on me and telling me how to THINK PROPERLY.
Now, 2019, I can feel things I did not LET MYSELF FEEL. Like grief.
Maybe having 3 decades of it and not being allowed to FEEL grief have suddenly hit me like a tsunami and when I feel emotional I REALLY get pushed to the edge. I’m so delicate now and feel so much pain for OTHER PEOPLE and worry and concern that they are OK. I can’t sleep at night because of it. I wake up every 2 or 3 hours worried about things.
The day my cousin Bekah passed away, 5/23/19 at 5:23am, I was awake staring at the ceiling at 3:14am (I always pick up my phone to see what time it is HOPING it’s close to 6:00am). I knew Bekah was on her last days of life on earth and had spent hours crying all by myself at home while I cleaned, ironed, cooked, worked on our business…just so much crying and sadness and the feeling of UNFAIRNESS and INJUSTICE on someone that was so good.
In the darkness I focused on that original question: why are we here and what’s the point? I did it with a feeling of anger and hate just pushed out there in the universe not really directed toward anyone or anything. Maybe you get what I mean on that feeling?
I have lots of questions for Bekah.
I began making a list of all of the beautiful people I’ve known and beautiful creatures I’ve cared for myself or known personally that have passed away. It was depressing and way longer than i realized.
Maybe one post I’ll just put it all out there for the world to see…
In the meantime, I realized one thing I could offer that I wish my cousin Bekah had, my mom, Amanda, my Grandpa William MacCaughey, my Grandma Mary Kay Xanders, my uncle David MacCaughey…what was their life story? What secrets did they go to the “next place” carrying? What questions did I have unanswered? I want to know!!!! I want details.
I care so much and I’m TOO LATE. I’M TOO LATE.
Have you ever considered putting your story into words?
I heard a fantastic radio show host last week put it perfectly. I’ll paraphrase it (I was driving at the time and had no way to document it without taking my hands off the wheel and we’d just had 2 feet of snow overnight so I was being super-careful!)
“If you want something to be remembered you have to write it down. Put it in PRINT. Videos and sound bytes are fun and entertaining but I don’t see people keeping this at their fingertips.”
A book or a diary or a memoir is a place to share your thoughts. It can be closed shut at any point and placed on a shelf for decades or a century or a day.
I realize more now than ever: you are a sincerely amazing person and you should write down your stories and your experiences. Your favorite things, like color or movies that influenced you and why. It’s an encyclopedia of YOU that would be the best legacy. It doesn’t have to be a perfect piece of work. What would you give to know more about your own parents, a best friend or family member that has passed?
What question would you ask them today? What confuses you about the history you DO know about them?
I have a million questions…
Would you like to have your story written?
I’ll help you.
-1 Success Habits Radio Program 1952 Paris Missouri, by Napoleon Hill Chapter 5 Applied Faith